Upbeat

September 26, 2010

This is my upbeat post to express how wonderful things are right now.  Read between the lines.

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What the freak.

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Embracing Change

September 21, 2010

These days we are all about embracing change!  We made it through our vacation withOUT incident.  No oil on our beaches.  Wooo Hooo!

We are back to school, soccer X2, girl/boy scouts, football and I don’t even know what else, ha!  Go, go, go!

We are embracing change.  That’s all I can say…(except how awesome it was to kick it old skool style on the way to/from Bloomington yesterday and today with nothing except me and my ipod!)

Lurve is All You Need

June 18, 2010

Tarballs made it ashore to the beach about 10 miles to the West of our beach, today.  It didn’t even bother me like I thought it would.  🙂  I’m just breathing in one moment at a time, lookin’ forward to the time off with family.

Speakin’ of which — fujobu.  I choose not to participate in this round.

We’re about 2 weeks away from break time!  Woot!

Not much else to talk about…too tired.  Too Lazy.

Em did bball camp.  Breyt did wrestling camp.  Both go to the pool all the time with their daddy because I’m a dead beat mom that’s stuck at the office all the time.  The bright side is, at least they get to go to the pool.  Hopefully, one day, they’ll look back on these days from a parenting perspective and realize that I lurve them so much even if I’m not always around like I want to be.

Lurve, lurve, lurve.  Lurve, lurve, lurve.

Lurve is all you need.

The Final Countdown

May 26, 2010

So far, the only oil on the beaches of Destin is suntan oil.

43 days and counting.

Haven’t even left and already am dreading the return.

🙂  Let’s hope I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow!  🙂

Crying at Night

May 26, 2010

“Mommy?”

“Yes, baby?”

“You’re going to miss me when I grow up, aren’t you?”

“No way, Jose!  You promised you were going to buy the house next door and be my neighbor.”

“Can I live across the street instead of being your neighbor?”

“Yes, baby.  I’ll love you no matter what you decide.”

The trust and love that I received from my father is the same I would like to pass down to my children.  I want them to feel like someone believes in them, because I do.

These days, I cringe at the sound of the alarm clock.  Thoughts of (damn) hope only tease me for a second before I remember all the days from before, the days that keep repeating.  Each day was a new hope that, ‘today is the day…”  Hope that, “Today is the day I will get time with my babies and my family.  Time to be a mommy and not just a ‘provider’ — a day I don’t have to apologize all day long for falling short — for everyone.

These days, I know better.  I know it will be a day that I feel guilt for not being grateful that I can be a provider, guilt for not having enough time to be a real mommy, guilt for not making it home in time to see my hubby, guilt for not having more time to offer to my boss, guilt for working straight through lunch and until bedtime — again.

Tears of a clown used to fall — now they’re just plain tears.

Forgive me while I roll around in self-pity, greed, jealousy, sorrow, embarrasment and sad while becoming totally absorbed with self — my self.

How can I be so blessed and so sad at the same time?

I miss my daddy.

Come on in, the water’s fine.

FYI…the idea of pre-planning our vacation a couple of posts ago and being locked in?  Well, I can only laugh!

Here’s an excerpt from the post I wrote explaining how happy I am:

I keep looking at the pictures of the house we rented for the trip, to hold me over.  I can’t believe we had the foresight to do this before things got crazy.  I’m glad we did.  We’re locked in now.  It’s already paid for!!  So, we must go.  Yes, we must.  No way out.  No second guessing.  That makes me very happy.

I forgot to knock on some wood.  🙂 HA!

Have you been watching the news?  The oil spill in the Gulf is headed right for the beach in the backyard of the house that is, “…already paid for!!”

Our insurance has already informed us that they will not cover this “man-made” catastrophe.  🙂

All I can do is smile.  Oh, we’ll still go.  We’ll just have our ass in the sand and our toes in the oil…instead of the water.

We ARE They!

May 8, 2010

During the first nine years of my daughter’s life, I have tried to nudge her into a waterfall of self-confidence.  My wish for her would be that she had the confidence to know that in this world, people are not ‘them’ and ‘us’.  I wanted her to feel secure in the understanding that people are ‘we’.  Did I lose you yet??

My fear would be that she grew up thinking that someone else would be responsible for her happiness, and someone else is controlling the outcome of her situations.  My fear is that she would hold back in life, in fear that she was ‘us’ not ‘them’.  Still confused??

I don’t want her to be limited in her experiences and knowledge and accomplishments and friends in life because she thought we weren’t them.

Have I lost ya yet?

When she pumps gas for her car at 16, I don’t want her to be shy to the clerk inside collecting her money — or flip side: think she is better than the clerk inside collecting her money.  The men and women of congress, the gas clerks, the cooks, the managers, the college students, the homeless, the janitors, the factory workers, the corporate head honchos, the teachers, the police, the presidents and CEOs etc???  They are us, creating we.

When she is a Senior in high school and starts to really become passionate about issues in the world, politics, unfair situations etc, I want her to know that it is her responsibility to pursue change.  I would roll over if I ever heard her say something like, “THEY need to do something to save this town.”  Or, “THEY need to create a law for this.”  Or, “THEY need to bring our soldiers home.”  Or even, “THEY say that eating tuna while pregnant is not healthy.”  My response to her would be, “THEY?!!?!!  WE are THEY!”

High school is a great example. 

When we went to school, we had the Preps, Jocks, Hoods, In Betweens, Nerds, Rednecks etc.  That’s fine.  However, what comes from that are negatives that glare right at me.  You sometimes find yourself defining who you are solely by the strict expectations of your label.  I know you’re so much more than that.  The other thing is that you teach yourself to dislike the other groups or, at best, consider them, “They.” 

Hello?  WE are THEY!

Make any sense??  HA!

So, if you were stuck in the label of Hood, you likely wouldn’t play sports.  You might even be anti-sports…EVEN if you LOVED you some soccer.  It would be difficult to have the confidence to remain true to your label of Hood, and compete for a spot on the soccer team.  It would be difficult for you to be a part of “THEIR” world.

My goal is to teach my children that “THEIR” world is “OUR” world because (say it with me now), We ARE They!

Anyway…today, she went into McDonald’s all by herself, with receipt in hand, to get a new hot chocolate.  We had just been through the drive thru and they forgot to give it to us.  There was a lobby full of people, and it could have been a confusing situation for a nine-year-old person.  

She was successful in communicating her issue and having it resolved. 

And, for the first time, it was her idea to do it. 

She.Volunteered.

She didn’t think anything of it.  One small step for those that don’t get me — those that do get me understand that it is a giant leap for our kind!  🙂

Where to Start?

April 18, 2010

It’s been a while.  Right.  Sorry about that.

We’ve had a busy household!  The kids are still with the school thing, and after school things.  I started with a new company that is just as demanding of my time as the old company was, so far.  I have hired an admin to help me.  She, however, won’t be out of college until mid-May.

Just wanted to let you know we’re all still alive and well.  Fortunate to be working at our reg jobs through this economy.  More fortunate than most.  Counting the days until vacation even. 

I keep looking at the pictures of the house we rented for the trip, to hold me over.  I can’t believe we had the foresight to do this before things got crazy.  I’m glad we did.  We’re locked in now.  It’s already paid for!!  So, we must go.  Yes, we must.  No way out.  No second guessing.  That makes me very happy.

ISATs Are Coming

March 3, 2010

My poor little girl is so anxious about the ISATs.  This morning she literally cried when she realized they start tomorrow instead of Monday.  I wish there was something I could do to ease her mind.

Night Out

March 2, 2010

We went out with some friends the other night to a fab Japanese place.  We had a ball. 

We never, ever go out without the children, partly because we CHOSE to have children.  We weren’t stuck with them.  We knew when we had them that we would want to live our lives for them and with them.  (It’s also partly because it’s very hard to get a sitter that we trust.)

Usually, we say we’re going out and then don’t get a sitter and then just end up taking the kids with us.  Well, this time we invited a couple to go with us.  The thought process was that we would 1. lock ourselves into the date, and 2. be more social like we’ve been meaning to do. 

Once you have kids, it’s too easy to kind of get lost in your own world and lose touch with all the adults in your life.  They either don’t have kids and therefore don’t want to be burdened with kid friendly activities, or do have kids and WE don’t want to be bothered with THEIR kid friendly activities.

Anyhoo… 

The place we went to is the kind of place that has you wait two hours in the bar area for a table because they wisely don’t accept reservations (it’s worth the wait).  So, by the time you sit down at your grill table, you may or may not already have spent your whole week’s grocery money on back to back Amerettos or Bud Light or whatever you fancy.  In our case, the wait was almost as fun as the meal even though I really only had a couple very weak drinks.

Once we sat down, they took our order and we began to watch them cook in front of us.  He made the traditional big fire that cinged our eyebrows.  He did all the funny jokes while chopping our veggies and frying our steak and shrimp. 

He lovingly tossed our food in the air as he fried and mixed and cooked it.  He made an onion volcano and let it burn while we sang happy fake birthday to our friend.

He used his spatula to slingshot bits of steak and rice and chicken into our mouths from across the table.  I’m kind of glad the children weren’t there to see us four grown adults tilting our heads back like baby chicks with our mouths wide open and accepting whatever they wanted to throw in.  When I finally got home and showered, there were bits of rice and steak coming out of crevices I didn’t know existed.  Ew, I bet that grossed you out.  You know it was funny though!

He was also using a ketchup bottle to squirt, from across the table/grill,  a clear liquid into our mouths to wash down the bits of food that was being slung at us.  There’s a debate over whether it was *ahem* water or *ahem* vodka in that bottle.  I might not know the answer to that question.

We also did a couple shots of Saki which is a rice wine, served (surprisingly) warm.  The people we were sharing a grill with were doing shots of it, and they were young and beautiful and having fun.  We decided it was okay, for one night, to step back into our young and beautiful and fun. 

So, we ordered our own bottle of Saki to do our own shots with.  It smelled like it was going to burn all the way down.  As we counted down for the first round of shots, I cringed.  Boy, it’s been a while since I had anything that burned.  How could I be the only one that didn’t drink though, right?

So, *ahem* ever so prudent and grudgingly, I accepted my obligation.  Surprise — it didn’t have a kick to it, but it is served warm.  That took me off guard, but it was good.  (We found out later that a bottle of Saki big enough to give approximately 2 shots to 4 people costs $23.  That’s probably why the only kick was the price.) 

We were like a table full of 29+ year old 14 year olds.  We sang and yelled and woo hooed and hollered.  The beauty of the place was that you could pretty much do whatever you wanted and get the best food at the same time (utensils optional).  It was as crazy as a scene from Coyote Ugly but in a way that you could still feel dignified when telling people the next day at Church that you tried the new Japanese place for dinner and say with a smirk on your face that it was ‘nice’.

After we ate, we weren’t ready to leave.  We knew what awaited us at home.  And while we love being parents and responsible people, it was so so so nice to take an evening and be irresponsible and cut loose.  So, we walked back over to the bar. 

The bartender was drooling over my husband.  When he said, “What’s a Saki bomb,” she said,”I’ll do one with you!!!”  She was a cutie too!  I was proud of him. 

I couldn’t do a Saki bomb at this point.  I knew somebody had to drive us home, so I gladly watched him like a kid in a candy store.  He so seriously took direction from her on how to balance the chop sticks on the beer mug and then balance the shot of Saki on top of the chop sticks and then sink the shot of saki into the beer and then guzzle.  It’s pretty much a boiler maker, with Saki instead.

I did kind of feel bad for her though because after she so lovingly drank with my hubby, she said, “I’m going to step outside for a minute to go on break.”  It was obvious that she was expecting him to meet her out there. 

This is not sarcasm (it’s just sad) when I say that I really did feel bad for her when she had to walk back in, alone.  I caught her trying to catch his eye and make a sad puppy face as she took her coat off to get back to work.  How bad is it that I almost said, “Go talk to her, dummy!  She’s hot!”???

The next day, I got to see all the pictures that my friend took of the evening.  Oh.my.goodness.  Why did a camera have to be involved?

Ortho-OhNo

March 2, 2010

I FINALLY took daughter today to get her spacers put in.  It’s basically the first appointment of many that will eventually lead to braces and surgery.  Gulp. 

They will first surgically remove her baby teeth.  And then, they will attach one side of the double set of chains to her braces and the other side to her adult teeth that will not erupt.  Over a year’s time, they will slowly pull the teeth down and into place. 

I’m having a much harder time dealing with this than her.  She is so excited.  She can’t wait. 

From her point of view, I was being unfair by holding back.  “What’s the big deal,” she says.  She knows they’ll be uncomfortable, but they’ll look so stylish to all of her 3rd grade divas. 

She doesn’t understand why I pushed so hard to wait from October until today (hoping for a miracle).  I wanted her to enjoy her holiday eating and birthdays.  Her and I are both food lovers.  Her metabolism doesn’t allow her to show it as much as mine does, but we equally love chow.

I know how her body reacts to medicine (NOT good) and other general foreign things (NOT good).  In addition, I know how she reacts to discomfort (NOT good). 

Alas, I could hold on no longer.  Today, we took the plunge.

I guess it’s the motherness in me that is still keeping my fingers crossed that out of the blue, before our next appointment, her two front teeth will fall out and we’ll see sign of the adult teeth coming down on their own.

Head Cold

March 2, 2010

Last night I asked my son if I could just watch him play instead of play with him because I have a head cold.  He asked me if I wanted to trade heads because his was warm.

So loving.  🙂

Texas Itch

February 14, 2010

My babies have been given the burden of itchy skin.  Winters are terrible for them.  They get it from their daddy.  It’s more than just itchy skin.  They all three claw themselves until blood is drawn.  They have patchy sandpaper skin.  It’s actually quite alarming.

Yesterday, my son told the cashier at Wal-Mart that he had an itch, a Texas itch.  I instantly knew where he was going for that.  Everything’s bigger in Texas, duh!

Heck

February 14, 2010

Wow, it’s been a crazy month and a half.  Who knew a person could explore so many corners of emotion?  I didn’t know it was possible.  I have learned a new compassion for others that have been given the gift (or burden, depending on perspective, of course) of stepping out of numb in every direction.  I don’t know how else to say it.  If you get me, then you get it.

Cuddle Buddy

January 2, 2010

What could be better than waking up to my two children climbing in bed with me and snuggling under the warm covers?

Nothing–I tell you–nothing.

I love my babies so much. Both of us do.

Dear Wilson,

January 1, 2010

Dear Wilson,

I’m seriously going to get a dog if you don’t buddy up soon.

Second warning. 😉

 No Love,

Me.

Have a Nike New Year.

January 1, 2010

Last night, we went to a New Year’s Eve ‘gathering.’  It was fun.  There was family and friends and food.  🙂  The kids got to play with their cousins, and it was funny to watch the ‘older’ kids play Wii, for the first time.

Everyone kept talking about what kind of year they had.  Most had a ‘terrible’ year.  They couldn’t wait for the new year to start, in hopes that with a new year would bring better situations.  It’s sad that the only reason they have to be a little faithful that a better year is coming, is the simple changing of the calendar page.  It doesn’t reflect poorly on them, it reflects poorly on the word “hope,” again.

If you recall, Hope and I do not get along.

I won’t get into that.  I’m just too lazy.

Is it sad that I didn’t post any Christmas or Thanksgiving pics?  I didn’t give a rundown of what we did or who we were.  It’s sorta sad, but I’m just feeling too lazy.  I’m in a funk.  It’s a big enough effort to just log in and write something, anything at all.

But anyway…  My year hasn’t been terrible.  Last night, I realized it was a year of calm, due to a year of acceptance (or giving up, lol, depending on which side of the perspective you are on), a year of moving on (or trying to) and a year of.  That last one’s a doozy.

Just breathe.  That’s all you can do.

Should I resolve to do anything different?

These are things that are on my to-do list but actually have nothing to do with the new year:

Realize it’s ok to just, ‘Just’ (sometimes).

Nike

Run without guilt, even if I don’t have time

Take the kids on that missed camping trip, like I promised

Rent a cottage for a couple of weeks and just be

Become debt free (Create and stick to a budget that will pay off house/car at super speeds.  I know we can do it but I need to rent the cottage, guilt free first)

Get new flooring throughout the whole house (again, before I create the aforementioned budget)

Finish painting the inside of the house (before the flooring, but it’s okay because I’m almost done)

Breathe

Also, we have a baby coming!!!  Well, we don’t have a baby coming.  No chance of that.  Tardla’s baby girl is preggers.  I can’t wait to help plan the shower!!

Also, my baby sis is prolly going to be leaving the nest soon.  How soon?  I’m not sure.  I’d hate to speculate, but the writing’s on the wall.

So, anyway, Have a HAPPY New Year, I guess.  We’re not really here to “be happy” though, are we?  Aren’t we supposed to be learning, helping and loving?

So, Have a Productive Year of Living with the Correct Perspective and Following Through on Your Good Intentions!  I think people don’t say that because it’s too long.  It doesn’t roll off the tongue.  Well, just Nike.

December 30, 2009

Yay. I’m going grocery shopping.

December 30, 2009

Dear Wilson,

Today, I am taking the day off, and it is making me depressed

I started the day off proud that my butt was not going to leave this recliner. Now, I’m wishing I put a little thought into this decision.

I want to go! Let’s go roadtripping, hiking, running, play basketball or soccer, see a hockey game or go into the/a city. Let’s take a train to Chicago or find an oceanfront something. I’m bored. TeeHa.

Wilson, if you don’t step it up, I’m going to have to find a new buddy.

No Love,

Me.

Re-Do

December 17, 2009

So, daughter is thinking about this Santa thing.  Her idea is that if I promise not to buy her any gifts for Christmas (except the shoes she already knows about) then Santa will prove that he is real (or not) by picking up my slack (or not).

I asked her if she was ready to commit to that plan.  She doesn’t know.  She’s scared.

Too cute!

Son wants a dog–a boy English Bulldog.  He wants a big, lazy, lay on his feet, slobber, watch doggish, mostly indoor, big eater, manly dog.

With no prompting from me, Santa told him he could not have a real one.  It broke his heart (but honestly, I guess it saved me from dealing with a broken heart on Christmas morning).

He left a vmm on his dad’s phone the other night that went something like this, “Hi dad, it’s me.  I have a birthday coming soon.  Santa said I couldn’t have a real dog, but I have a birthday coming soon.  All I want is a boy English Bulldog.  Well, it’s not all I want, but it’s the most thing I want.  A dog is a man’s best friend, and I want that.  And I want him to sleep with me so I won’t be lonely.  Dad, will you think about it?  Oh, it’s me.”

Dad has moved from, “absolutely not,” to…Boy 1 Dad 0. 

We are checking the rescues first.  ;).

I’ll Get the Bible

December 17, 2009

Today, daughter was being a smarty pants at the dinner table.  We were all three laughing and having a good time.  But, she did cross the line a little bit.  I can’t remember what she said, but let’s just say it was a little harsh to be coming out of the mouth of a girl her age.  🙂

Breyt didn’t skip a beat.  He opened his eyes and mouth really wide and proceeded with, “I’ll go get the Bible.”

He had never said that before, so I asked him what he was talking about.

Em said, “She doesn’t need it.  She has it memorized.”

I was so confused.

Breyt said, “You always tell her something out of the Bible when she gets in trouble.”

I didn’t even realize that!  Umm–is that a good thing??

(CTR)

December 17, 2009

“CTR, CTR, CTR”

Repeatedly in the hollow of my skull.

Bouncing in the confines of solidarity.

Weakening the bone with each hit.

Breaking me.

Addicted.

Fell below it.

Moment of Clarity and Strength.

!!!CTR won!!!

Rose above it.

What the hay??  LOLOLOLOLOL

Honestly, You’re Just Wrong

December 17, 2009

I think it was last year when daughter approached me with a dire need to know if Santa was real or not.  After probing her with many questions, to see if she was ready for my answer, I told her he is not real.

Yes, I know.  I’m a bad mom.  You have to understand that I have always promised my kids the truth.  I didn’t like letting her believe he was real in the first place.  I only did it because I’m selfish and I wanted her to enjoy the fantasy–and hubby insisted.  iknowimabadmom.

But, I want them to know that I am a safeplace for answers.  I will offer them honesty like my mom did for me.

Anyhoo…she cried.  She was very disappointed.  She swore she would never tell a soul, because she didn’t want to break the hearts of her classmates and friends.  iknowimabadmom.

This year, the other day, she told me flatly that she has decided that I am wrong.  Yep.  Santa is real.  How could he not be?  It doesn’t make sense otherwise.

This is coming from a girl that has been referred to as, “gifted,” by her teachers.  There have been many disscussions about her skipping a grade.  She is very committed to understanding something if she finds it interesting (or if she’s in competition with somebody or something–and she always is).

So, you understand that this believing of fantasy is not like her at all except that she does seem to have a hope that there’s more out there.  Does that even make sense?  It does to me.

So, I asked her, “What do you mean?  Why do you think that?”  I’m certainly not going to argue it with her.  I have regretted telling her the truth for a year or so now.  I wished I would’ve only said something vague like, “Only you can answer that.”  iknowimabadmom.

But, now I have a chance to undo the harm that I’d done.

I gave her a little wink and said, “Only you can answer that.”  She said, “I know what you’re trying to say and, honestly, you’re just wrong.”