Bring Me to Life

December 3, 2009

Maybe I’m just going through some kind of old lady crisis, I don’t know.  The thing is, I have this nagging, burning, itching little guy on my shoulder.  He keeps reminding me that I want to be somebody.

My whole life I have been just fine with being in the middle.  It was actually my preferred place to be.

I don’t want to be the most popular.  I like my quiet/alone time.  Being the shy and quiet girl was always fine with me.  I like having a few strong friends but don’t really waste my time on the ‘acquaintances.’

Being this way has eventually let me accept ‘medium’ for everything I do.

I held back on my career to be a mom.  I’m not a great mom because I’m working all the time.

My house isn’t spotless or filthy.  My car isn’t wonderful or bad.

I’m not a ‘terrible’ friend by definition, but certainly not a good one.

I participate, but not really.

I care about people in need, but rarely reach out.  I step out of my comfort zone, only a little.

I have a little schooling, not a lot.  I’m not extremely smart, but not totally dumb.

I love the Lord, but don’t outwardly show it ALL THE TIME.

I wanted to ride horses, be an athlete (runner), help the homeless, be a great mother, be an example, be a writer, help sick children et cetera.  But, now I have no passion.  I’ve somehow been able to just stay here, lukewarm about everything — never putting myself out there.

I’m not anything.

Get me?

But now.  Now everything is changing.  I still like being in the middle except I want to be somebody.  I don’t want a wasted life.

I don’t feel the need to be public or popular.

I want to die knowing I did my best.  I’m not doing my best.  I want to put myself out there for the good of somebody else.  I’m floating by.  I, I, I.

You know?

For now, it’s bringing me down knowing that I’m just me.

How do I get passed all of the thoughts in my noggin?  How do I allow passion back into my life?

I don’t even need/want anyone else to see that I’ve done something or become something.  It’s just that — I — need to know.

I’ve beed dead and I want to come to life.

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