Down Home… a Blessing and a Curse

March 23, 2009

So not too long ago I made an impromtu trip down home to visit my ailing mother. She’s not well.

I was able to make it out to the mall while we were there. The kids were surprised to be in a mall that actually had activity and real stores. There were things to do in the mall besides shop. I took for granted living 5-10 minutes away from civilization.

They could ride a train or pet the animals. They could get into a human slingshot and hurl to the moon. That’s what they chose by the way. Scary but so fun! They bounced and flew. I’ll try to posts pics later.

It was just the kids and I that went on this trip. We went for a couple/few nights. The kids didn’t understand the sadness going on — or at least they didn’t seem to. That was good. I think. All they knew was that it was a fun little vacation.

So here’s the scoop…my mom still pisses me off (but I guess I love her), my dad still touches my heart (always a daddy’s girl), I still wish Lou lived right next door to me, Pookie saddens me (because she grew up so quickly I’m surprised by her caring heart and intelligent conversation (not because she never had it — just because she’s more mature now…grown. I have immense guilt for letting those years slip by.), Homey Attitude still has an attitude — not always a bad thing, Teeney Winks is still the best big sister I could ever ask for, Bare Bare is just plain precious, Red Sweat Pants is still my bro, My bro is still , Jeep bro is still solid and my three sis-n-laws will never know how much I adore them.

It was easier to leave than usual because I was so emotional I felt like I was suffocating. It was very difficult for me to control my emotions and not explode or have a meltdown. It was obvious and I am sorry for that.

I’m very sorry for that. I wish I could take it back — my daring attitude, frigid persona, cold shoulder. I’m so full of anger towards the situation. I’m angry and I don’t want to be. I’m scared and I’m sad. I’m always the one that knows how to delegate things into place but I’m afraid that even if I had rights or an idea of where to start — it is too late. It’s too late.

So I need to move past the anger but so far I don’t know how. I need to find compassion but I’m afraid I don’t have any…no, not any. I should. I want to. I don’t.

I’m thinking it is a blessing and a curse that you will always know what’s on my mind.


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